In my work as a couples counsellor, a significant part of what I do revolves around helping partners develop healthy communication habits. I use the word "work" deliberately because effective communication isn't something that comes effortlessly to most people. It requires time, concentration, and commitment from both partners—often in the face of uncertainty about their relationship's future.
While this process can be challenging, I consider it an honour to be trusted with my clients' most intimate struggles. Many couples come to me feeling stuck in communication patterns that no longer serve them, even though these same patterns may have worked in earlier stages of their relationship. Over time, unspoken frustrations and unresolved conflicts build up, straining their ability to connect. My role as a therapist is to help couples recognise and reinforce the strengths in their communication while transforming destructive habits into constructive ones.
There's no universal blueprint for healthy communication. While principles like honesty, respect, and non-violence are essential, every couple expresses these in different ways. One couple might rely on humour to diffuse tension, while another finds comfort in physical touch. Some couples, especially those with active social lives, may communicate more through gestures and shared experiences than through words, whereas more introverted pairs might rely heavily on deep conversations to feel connected.
However, one challenge is almost universal: how to express emotions in a way that fosters understanding, while also making space for a partner's emotions, all while navigating the issue at hand. It's no surprise that many couples struggle with this balancing act.
At some point, many people wonder if they can just set emotions aside and "figure things out" logically. Unfortunately, this rarely works. While logic plays a role in our thinking, our emotions drive most of our decisions and behaviours—often at a subconscious level.
Consider the last movie you watched. Did you pick it because of a rational analysis of its cinematography, or did you choose it based on how you expected it to make you feel? Relationships function in much the same way. Emotions are the currency of connection.
Because emotions shape so much of our behaviour, avoiding them in communication is not an option. Instead, we need to share them in a way that helps our partner understand us better. Expressing emotions openly not only fosters mutual understanding but also allows us to process our own feelings with greater clarity. When couples communicate more transparently, many of the unspoken resentments that accumulate over time begin to dissolve.
That doesn't mean relationships become conflict-free. Even in the healthiest partnerships, feelings of isolation, frustration, or betrayal can arise. However, when couples communicate honestly, they can address these emotions constructively rather than allowing them to fester.
A great starting point for couples looking to strengthen their emotional communication is to explore how their upbringing shaped their relationship with emotions. Often, our beliefs about expressing feelings are deeply ingrained and may not align with our partner's.
For example, if one partner grew up in a household where emotions were dismissed as weakness, they may struggle to express vulnerability. Meanwhile, another partner who was raised in an emotionally expressive environment may feel disconnected when emotions are not openly shared.
To deepen your understanding of each other's emotional worlds, consider discussing the following:
What did you learn about emotions growing up?
Which emotional responses from childhood do you still carry with you?
Are there any beliefs about emotions that you'd like to change?
What are your current attitudes toward expressing feelings?
Once you've explored these questions, take the conversation further by discussing how you'd like to handle emotions as a couple. Try reflecting on these prompts:
Based on how we communicate, what beliefs about emotions come through?
What beliefs do we want to work towards showing in our behaviour?
When we feel [anger/sadness/stress], how do we want to navigate it together?
How can we support each other when one of us is struggling emotionally?
Improving emotional communication isn't about mastering a single technique—it's an ongoing process of learning, adapting, and growing together. The good news is that, like any skill, emotional awareness and communication become easier with practice. Over time, as you and your partner develop deeper emotional understanding, your relationship will grow stronger, more resilient, and more fulfilling.
Taking the time to explore your emotional landscapes together can be a powerful first step in transforming the way you connect. By fostering a culture of openness, curiosity, and support, you set the stage for a healthier, more emotionally attuned partnership.
Improving emotional communication takes time, patience, and practice, but the rewards—a deeper connection, better conflict resolution, and a stronger relationship—are well worth the effort. Start by having an open conversation with your partner about your emotional beliefs and how you can support each other.
If you and your partner need guidance in navigating these conversations, I'm here to help. As a couples therapist, I provide a safe space to explore and strengthen your relationship dynamics.
Get in touch today to schedule a session and take the first step towards healthier, more fulfilling communication.
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